Following the Son

Live Your Story

2010-06-13T11:31:00.011-04:00

Have you ever wanted to fight for what you believe in, to carry a quest so important that all rely upon you to complete it? Haven't you wished that life was actually more than it seems?

Why do we love stories like Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Braveheart and The Patriot? It's because we all long to be a part of something bigger, something so important it trumps all else. Working at an office, going grocery shopping and cleaning the bathroom are so insignificant yet we take them as main responsibilities. There is no big story, there is no cause to fight for... or so we think.

How many times have you imagined yourself in the place of Frodo Baggins? What about Harry Potter or Hermione? Even Spock or Captain Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise? All of these characters have a destiny to carry out, even if it means death.

Where did this fascination and love for these stories come from? Maybe we are made for more.

C.S. Lewis author of The Chronicles of Narnia, wrote "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Lewis created new lands, new races, and new stories because he believed that the human race was made for more. We weren't made to stress out over taxes and our next promotion. These things are insignificant compared to what we should be committed to. With a fallen world, our destinies have become less than noteworthy. Most of us are just happy to make it through a day of work. Many just want to leave the world having made it a little better than when they arrived.

What is important to you? Is there something you would fight for?

I feel God is calling us to live an epic life. One that gets our heart racing, a life that causes others to know that we are doing something big. Imagine a world where people don't sit on the couch but get up and carry out their promises, dreams and quests.

We don't have to slay Ringwraiths or defeat He-who-must-not-be-named. I challenge you to find something you truly believe in and go after it.

I believe God wants us to be who we were meant to be. I don't want to be caught up in this world and miss my chance for an epic adventure. I want to live it. I want to carry out His will and be part of something bigger than myself. I want to be my own Frodo. I have a destiny to fulfill and a job to do.

Answer the call in your heart. It's there, and you feel it when you hear stories. You were meant for more.

Thank you and a prayer

2010-02-18T23:02:00.004-05:00

God,

Thank You so much for Your unbelievable goodness. Even in my overwhelmed and constricting mind, You do not cease to amaze me. You let your presence be known through Your beauty, quietly telling me, "I'm here, I'm here." Even the breeze through the leaves, the sunshine reflecting off the water, and the people You've given me to speak with, I feel You here with me. "Thank you" does not seem to express the gratitude I have for your kindness and love. How do you know all these things about me? Why do you give me wonderful things when what I've done is despicable? That's right... you're God. My loving, never-failing, powerful, awesome God.

I am going through such a hard time right now, God. I need your help. I can't do this on my own. There's too much to do and no time to do it. I have not been able to enjoy myself. I have not been able to love on you as much as I've wanted to. All the reading, the writing, the contemplating, the interviewing, the incessant worrying about internships, jobs, grades, relationships, I can't take much more. Please help me get through it if there cannot be a break. Jesus I need You. You said that whenever we call on Your name You will come to our rescue. I need Your rescue. I'm Your damsel in distress. You're my Knight in shining armor. I'm waiting, I'm praying, I'm willing to go where You take me. Please come to my rescue soon. I love you.

Shaye.

Prayer

2010-01-15T00:10:00.002-05:00

God,

I know I haven't been a good daughter lately. I think that's one of my worst flaws. I never spend enough time with you. I don't read Your Word with You, I don't talk with You, and I don't worship You like I used to. Instead, I quickly say "thank you" when things work out well, I sing a song here and there, and I even bought a new Bible to encourage myself.

What is it that is keeping me at a distance? Is it lack of time? My incessant reading, my never-ending work list? I still think that I could do better. I shouldn't have to squeeze You in, You deserve SO much more than that.

Whatever it is God, help me to find the time and have the desire to come closer to You. Help me, like you always have to. Like you always want to. Like you always have.

I love you.

Shaye

Almost a Year

2009-11-25T16:26:00.002-05:00

It's almost been a year since I've started this blog, and I am very proud of myself and grateful to God that I've learned so much in a year.

As soon as I can spare some time, I'm going to write a nice long entry.

Thank you all for reading my blog and keeping an open mind and loving heart.

<3 Shaye

The Beauty of it All

2009-09-27T13:32:00.002-04:00

When God speaks to me, He does it in an obvious way. I have asked Him to do so because I am not very quick. When it comes to spiritual things, I need a clear answer. I am one of those people who doubt things if they're not obvious.

Thankfully, God has obliged. It seems that whenever I go to my new church, (Church of the Nations) I am shown God's face. That church is so full of God and I know it. It seems as if every time I go there with a heavy burden on my shoulders, God brings me someone to lift it off of me. And it seems that every time I am about to give up praying and go home, He says, "uh-uh, here." Someone comes up to me and prays, says a Word impressed upon them from God.

I know this won't happen every time I go, but it has happened 3 out of 4 times. Perhaps one day I will be that person who taps the praying girl on the shoulder. Maybe I will have a word for someone. God is thriving here.

As I was driving away from the church after the service, I couldn't help but cry because His provision never ceases. His power never fails. His beauty is ever-present.

I thank God for helping me to see His face. I thank Him for never failing me, never leaving me. I thank Him for protecting me and loving me.

Pastor Mel said something that struck me. "How can we forget the love He has for us when He gave up His only Son for us?"

Don't forget. Always thank Him, even through the rain. Because He is the one who brings the rain and brings the sun.

Warm Up

2009-09-16T19:52:00.006-04:00

It has been awhile since I last wrote. But I think my absence helps me make the point I want to make.

These past few weeks, I have been enjoying the grueling task of kickboxing. Twice a week for an hour does more than you might think! It is the most intense workout I've ever been through, but oh man, is it fun! I keep checking the mirrors when I pass to see if anything looks different, just hoping for a slight change. In the back of my mind is a thinner, stronger Shaye who is able to defend herself with a high round-house kick and a punch to the... well you get the point.

Week after week, I put myself through training -- working my muscles, ripping and growing them and learning how to fight if I ever get put in that position.

I'm sure you see the parallel by now. I got to thinking about working out physically and working out spiritually.

Wouldn't it be great if we could track our spiritual growth like we can with waist measurements and BMI? It would be so much easier to see where we stand with God and what we need to work on in our lives. Sadly, there are no spiritual nutritionists or spiritual personal trainers to track what you do and push you to read your Bible every night.

I think what God was leading me to was the fact that we need to work out our "muscles" in order to keep "in shape" and be ready for the "fight." That's a lot of quotation marks. Let me explain.

God wants us in His Word as often as possible. Learning and discussing His plan and will for us is something we should be doing in order to grow as Christians. Personally, making time to read my Bible and get to Bible Study is a struggle for me.

I remember a time when I was surrounded by my favorite girls at Mt. Paran, always going to Sunday morning church, the college group, and the small girls group. I remember how much more confident I was and how much growth I saw in myself from the past year. It was amazing how much God had moved in my life because I was stretching my "spiritual muscles."

Flash forward to this moment in time. I am not involved, yet, in any small groups and haven't been reading my Bible. I will not make any excuses, for they are all too petty. But I have noticed a stall in the growth of my muscle mass. Since I've stopped feeding myself the Word and stopped placing myself in His family, like a muscle, I have atrophy. Whatever I've gained, I've lost in some way.

Where would I be if I continued to speak with God and read His word continuously. Where would I be if I made it a point to get to church as often as I could? I can't even speculate, but I think I might be somewhere fantastic.

Perhaps I could have been used in some way that I am now not ready for because I wasn't "buff" enough.

We need to be fit. We need to be in shape. We need to make Him a priority in order to see results in our lives. You don't get thin and you don't build muscle by sitting on the couch, do you? All of these quick fixes to "a thinner you" are so very similar to the quick fixes of "a happier you." You cannot lose weight by taking some diet pill and eating potato chips. Likewise, you cannot get happier by convincing yourself to take on a different attitude that may not be applicable to your life. One size does not fit all, and most importantly, it takes work to get results.

You cannot expect to grow as a Christian and have a more joyful life, if you do not delve into His word and spend time with your Creator. He has provided us with the most important and effective way to live life to the fullest.

What happens to someone who doesn't know how to defend them self? They get whooped. What happens to someone who has no muscle? They cower under the weight.

If you exercise frequently and learn different defense techniques, you'll be able to take on the biggest threat. I believe God is pressing me to say that we need to build ourselves up in Him so that when our next giant comes along, we will be able to fight the big fight and triumph.

Do you think David could have defeated the large and quite scary Goliath without being "in shape"? Do you think David could have stood up against the most formidable enemy he had ever faced?

"David said to the Philistine, 'You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.'" 1 Samuel 17.

David actively sought after God and knew exactly how to handle the giant. He had the level of faith and confidence in God (and in himself) that it took to topple his enemy. Because he was "fit as a fiddle" and strong in the Lord, he went down in history as the little boy who owned the biggest bad guy around.

My question is to you, are you ready for the fight? Are you strong enough? Have you been working out your muscles?

Still don't believe me? You know what they say, See the results!

Waking the Dead

2009-07-28T22:08:00.002-04:00

"The glory of God is man fully alive." - Saint Irenaeus.

I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and Craig McConnell. It is a book about embracing the life God has for each one of us. Whether you are a Christian or not, Eldredge & McConnell make convincing arguments about why we live the way we do and what we can do to live life to the fullest by following God's will for us.

With their help, readers venture into why life is the way it is. We understand that it is a battle we are fighting, or really that God is fighting on our behalf. We must "arm" ourselves. Prepare for battle. Expect hardship but know that we have already won.

I have not finished the book yet, but I can tell you that this is a book worth reading. Eldredge and McConnell are both candid in their writing. They admit thoughts and feelings about God and life throughout the book (and the guidebook) so that it is easier for their readers to understand and relate to the issues brought up.

I am excited to continue reading because I've heard this book is life changing. It is about awakening your broken heart to a full life. Can you imagine the life you could be living if you allowed yourself to become who God planned you to be? I hope you'll consider reading this book and possibly doing the challenging task of completing the guidebook along with it.

Grade: A+

I've Insulted God, I'm sure.

2009-07-27T13:10:00.005-04:00

You know how many times I have doubted God? Doubted that He was going to help me? Doubted He was really on my side? So many. So many that I'm sure God was a little bit insulted.

I say this in jest because I know he never tires of hearing our complaints and listening to our doubts. But if God is like any parent, I know that if my child was doubting my love for him or her, I'd be a little hurt too.

I realized this yesterday when I finally got to visit my church in Athens. I had been through so much crap this summer. My mom going through surgical procedures, many visits to the doctors, our constant fighting; I've moved out, moved in, moved back out again; I've been loved, hated, and loved again; gotten back with and broken up with... my heart has been broken a thousand times over this summer. What I knew, if anything, is that I was emotionally far from God. I knew He was there with me. I knew He was helping me... but my heart didn't agree.

I was excited to get to church to get to the bottom of things. To just pour out my spirit and have Him fill me. I wasn't sure what to expect. I hadn't been there in about 3 months. But I prayed that God speak to me loud and clear. (My close family was praying for this as well) I thought it'd be nice to hear from God. It's something that I needed, but I wasn't expecting it. I was doubting that God was actually on my side. Perhaps punishing me for all that I've done out of disobedience. It's not so.

Toward the end of service, the pastor opened up the altar for those who need prayer. Being who I am and what I've been though, I went up. I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew I'd cry. I'm so emotional. I'd probably cry if you scolded me for making a mess.
I didn't know that I'd cry that hard. I let it all out. Sobbing. I don't know exactly what came over me but I couldn't stop. When it was all over with, I felt calm but unsatisfied. I wanted desperately to hear from God. With everything in me, I wanted it. Nothing else in the world mattered to me at that point.

When I got back to my seat, everyone was leaving. My church is pretty lax before and after service. They open up the sanctuary for intercession/prayer/worship. While the band was still playing I just got on my knees and prayed in earnest. I noticed that a strange lady with the flags was waving them over me for quite some time. I'm not sure what flags have to do with worship, but to each her own, right? It was weird but I just kept praying. When she left, I got up and went for the door calmly and a bit tired from all the emotional crap.

Before I reached for the handle, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned and it was the strange flag lady. She said in a soft voice that God impressed feelings about me to her.

She told me just how MUCH He loves me and He can see the passion and fire within me to be with Him and near Him; How He is SO proud of me like a father at his daughter's recital. She told me that He sees my hurt and brokenness and He weeps over me, that like unlike a father who sits back and allows things to happen to his daughter, He is spinning with violent emotion over me to protect me as my Warrior and Healer. He doesn't keep a list of the times I slipped up or messed up, He only sees me with incredible love.

I was extremely blown away. Everything she said sent off bells in my head. A checklist was being checked off as she spoke to me. Everything she said was no doubt from MY God.

Then Georgette, that's her name, told me to look up Zephaniah 3:17:

"The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

Praise God. I am so in love with my Creator. He loves me with all His heart, like no one else. He is protecting me, fighting a battle for me, loving me and taking great delight in me as my Father.
How stupid was I to assume he was getting pleasure from watching me squirm in my sorrow? God is not like that. He does not punish us to make us pay. He loves each and every one of us for who we are, no matter our short comings. We are His children, whom he fights hard to save.

Don't be like me and think God is not on your side, because He is. He is the only one who will always be on your side, wanting all of you, crying when you are hurt and rejoicing with you when you succeed.

Seek him earnestly and He will answer.

What Makes Me, Me?

2009-05-03T17:12:00.006-04:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not because God hasn't blessed me or answered my prayers, because he has, numerous times. I don't want to make a long post today, so bear with me if it seems a bit choppy.

I've been thinking lately about who I am and what I have to offer the world, the people I love, and of course what I have to offer in God's honor. Who am I really? Am I a journalist? Am I a writer? How do I define myself and how should I view myself?

I'm not sure, but lately I have been struggling with these questions. I don't really want to be a journalist. I don't want to work in a high profile job... I am not even sure that I care if I live in New York anymore. Sure, it would be nice to have all these things. A dream maybe... but all I care about in my life is to be content with what I have. I would be happy being a wife with children. I would be happy working at a publication house editing books. I'd like my life to be simple but exciting.

I know God has a plan for me and one that only fits me. I know I'm the only one He wants to accomplish His goal, whatever it may be. I have a very hard time seeing what it is that makes me so special, aside from maybe writing. What talents do I have? What can I do that others can't? I see so many people that can sing, draw, and that have such a personality, I feel I could never compare. What makes Shaye, Shaye? What defines me as a person? As a woman, a writer, a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend? What is it that draws people to me? Or do I even draw anyone to me?

Is this life just a bleak sequence of events or is it filled with vibrant colors that fill the frame? Am I just me, a quiet, thoughtful, and awkward girl who might do something big? Or am I something more? Am I someone who is going to make a big difference in someone's life?

So many questions. But there is only one answer. God has control of my life and He is what makes me special. He is the one who will move through me to make a difference. There is nothing that I can do without Him. He will use any talent He knows I have (which I may not know about) to move in someone's life. It is just so hard to remember who I am in Christ because I see all of my flaws and all of my short comings. I think what I want, what maybe everyone wants, is to be told just what makes us special, why we are different, if we stand a chance.

Too many times I have been the girl who is good but not good enough. The girl who can do some things, but not the things that that girl can do.

When I was going to KSU, I was at the top of my game. Good grades, I had a good sense of myself, I felt a sense of identity. But now here at UGA, where my grades have fallen -- average or below average, where I see so many talented people and great people... I feel less than able, not enough. There's nothing that tells me otherwise.

I don't want to be the girl who struggles with self-esteem. Our society tells us that girls with low or no self-esteem are not wanted by men. But in all honesty, how many girls have perfect self-esteem and feel great about themselves every day? Are we fooling ourselves? Even men struggle with it.

What I've learned these past few years is that nothing is certain. There is no certain way to get what you want. Everything I thought was set in stone, is not so concrete. I'm learning that life is about the decisions you make, and oftentimes it is too difficult to see the right choice, even after lots of prayer and discussion. Everyone has their own life and it is not for anyone to judge the actions of another unless the circumstances are fully understood.

I pray God helps me finally understand what talents I have and what sets me apart. I pray that I treasure what He's given me and begin to live like I mean it. I pray that I find my true purpose in life and do it. I pray that whatever impurities I have in my heart, He removes it.

Just a praise report.

2009-03-09T00:04:00.002-04:00

I felt the need to tell everyone, who happens to follow this, just how much God has blessed me this past month. February is the worst month for me every year. Without fail, it always seems to be the month that gets me down. It's always the month that delivers doom and gloom into my life. Sometimes it extends into March like it did last year.

However true this is, I HAVE to tell you that even through the junk that February brought me, Jesus delivered me time and time again from all of my problems and failures. No other time in my life have I ever had such a heightened awareness of God's mercy and blessings.

This past month was full of stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and guilt. I got myself into all kinds of dilemmas because of my bad habits, self-esteem issues, and indecisiveness. To make it more specific and tangible, I'll lay out a couple of things that I was dealing with on the table.

My first term paper for Conrad C. Fink. This man is huge -- famous in the newspaper industry. Top professor extraordinaire. God had gotten me through two meetings with this man, face to face... expert to novice. Once I had that under my belt, I had the daunting task of interviewing experts for my term paper, gathering research, and finally writing a well-organized and well-written paper.

I cannot tell you just how concerned I was with writing the perfect paper for this 73-year-old man. He is the Trump of the newspaper business in my eyes. Imagine turning in your first financial report as a new business person to Trump -- lots of expectation and high standards. If you get it wrong in his eyes, you're out. Aside from watching "What Not to Wear" and going on trips to the pet store, this high standard is what kept me from sitting down and writing my paper. I was afraid of writing an atrocity.

I had a lot of people praying for me. A lot of prayer and a lot of pushing. I got my interviews done. I got my researching done. And on the night before it was due, I sat down and wrote 8 pages of my 12 page paper. Only GOD could have given me the strength and drive to get it all done. I turned it in, expecting a B- at most. It was sloppy, unorganized, and I didn't have enough interviews.

God surely did give me favor. I got an A+.

Let me just stress to you how CRAZY an A+ means to me in Fink's class. This is BIG. Thank you Jesus for such an amazing miracle.

That is just one story of how amazing God is. I won't go into the other things He's done for me recently, but I will tell you this: I easily bought a new car battery, I got a B+ on my mid-term, I have an AMAZING friend back after years of being separated, I was rescued from one of my biggest vices when I don't deserve any mercy from God, I'm spending much needed time with my family, and I'm feeling a certain peace that I know would not be possible amongst all of this chaos I find myself in.

"Everything is a lesser thing compared to You." God has EVERYTHING under control. He does not make us suffer, and intervenes when we have had enough. God is on our side; He loves us as a father adores his children. He loves us, even when we disobey Him. He gives us second and third chances when we really mess up. I could not ask for a better, more loving, amazing Father. I am so, so, so blessed and I can say that I am genuinely happy, even through the trials life brings.

Praise God.

My Rut, His Promises.

2009-02-12T14:07:00.003-05:00

On Sunday, I had the very wonderful privilege of going to my home church. It had been awhile since I've been there, and frankly, I really missed the pastor, congregation, and walking those red velvet carpets. I knew God was calling me to go to church that specific Sunday because I had made a promise to him to spend time with him on a daily basis, and it wasn't happening. I believe that God decided to call out to me and show me just how important He is and how He knows that I am in a rut, and it is fixable.

Through the service, I discovered that the only way that I am ever going to grow spiritually and be close to Jesus is if I spend time with him on a daily basis. Of course, I knew that's what I should be doing, but I never quite figured that I would grow from that kind of quality time. Growing spiritually is something that I feel God pushing me to do. I am ready to move on from my irresponsible relationship with God, and I'm ready to hear from him and receive counsel from Him.

After God revealed His will for me, I then realized what I had known for a long time. The rut. What is keeping me from chatting with God? Why aren't I spending time in the Word like I should be? The sermon revealed that it could many reasons why I am not growing and doing what I should be: emotional issues, too many responsibilities, and spiritual growth being low on my list of priorities. I didn't just pick one of these, I couldn't. I picked them all. It is true, I have so many responisbilities and it's a low priority. But what about the emotional part of it? Should that matter? You bet. Personally, when I am going through something emotionally straining, I tend to feel far from God. I try my best to pray and get in His Word, but in all honesty, I get mad with God for allowing some of these things from happening. All three reasons fit.

Pastor Mark asked for an altar call, and I went up. I wanted to be "unstuck." I wanted to get out of the rut that was holding me back from God. Why would I let this world keep me away from my Savior? What a joke! I was prayed for -- to become unstuck and to run into God's fatherly arms, which are always, always open to me. When I began to sing along with the others, I sat with my eyes closed and just worshiped. God spoke loudly and directly, "Don't give up," he shouted four times. "Don't give up." Such strong words broke down my walls. God then promised to show me through the next week that He is with me. I was filled with hope and joy.

You may be thinking, "boy that's a nice church story, what are you trying to say?"

I'm telling you that God has fulfilled His promise.
Monday, I had never felt so content in my life. There I was in the midst of academic chaos, illness, and anxiety. He provided me with a sense of peace and contentment.
Tuesday, I has a very scary task ahead of me. My anxiety and social awkwardness threatened to take over, but singing to God, "everything is a lesser thing, compared to you," over and over helped me defeat what could have been a very embarrassing conversation. He showed me that through Him, all things are possible; that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control - 2 Timothy 1:7.
Wednesday, I started to feel lonely and began to beat myself up for not being up to par. But then God came through. He has sent me such a wonderful friend with whom I can be myself and know that she likes me for just who I am. I spent hours with her just talking about everything and nothing, totally excited to have seen her. God provided me with friendship and love.
Thursday (today), God provided me with a confidence that I couldn't expect from myself. No self-doubt, but belief that I could succeed and faith that I am who He wants me to be.

Amen. God is so good, he always fulfills his promises. I believe that through this, I will be able to break out of the rut and begin a new relationship with Him. Like He said, I will never be the same.

Break out of your rut! Truly commit yourself to a relationship with Him. He is waiting to hear from you!

Something to Smile About

2009-01-29T21:49:00.003-05:00

I would like to write about God's Grace today. No matter how many times we screw up, God always provides for us. He always makes a way. It is very easy to just thank God and move on and forget what He has done for us, but I want to stress the importance of remembering His mercy and acknowledging that without Him, we would be lost.

For the past few weeks, I have been dealing with feelings of anxiety and continuous worry. When I get something in my head, it's difficult for it to leave. The enemy always uses my worst tendencies to keep me jailed in my head. But, I am so undeniably favored by God. When it seems like there is no way out, and it seems like none of your prayers are being answered... He comes to the rescue and gives us grace and forgiveness that we certainly do not deserve.

How many times can God forgive me for being so doubtful, so disobedient and so forgetful? Too many. He forgives me when I should not have any forgiveness left. He forgives me when the idea of giving me one more chance should be laughable. If my life was in the hands of man, I would be shackled and scorned. But my life does not belong to this world. It belongs to my Creator who loves and showers me with His grace.

How many times have we forgotten how good God is? How many times have we been blessed but turned around and slapped God in the face with our doubt and disobedience?

God does not keep grudges. "I will show loving-kindness to them and forgive their sins. I will remember their sins no more." Jeremiah 31:34

God always delivers. God always provides. God always forgives, God never lies. :]

There is Hope in Your Name

2009-01-11T18:00:00.004-05:00

When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, not only are we saved from our sins and begin a new life, but we are given hope. This sense of hope inspires so many people... it is truly what makes belonging to God feel so wonderful. Without the salvation of Jesus, we would be lost; lost to the evils and temptations of this world. Lost in a cloud of doubt and hopelessness. I'm sure you know what I mean.

"She carelessly threw her cell phone to the floor and wound herself tightly in a ball. No matter how hard she tried to keep the thoughts from running away with her sanity, she couldn’t keep them from passing through the barrier. Her face was blank at first, not a sign of emotion to be seen. But when the thought she had been trying to avoid at all costs came to light, her eyes shut tightly, her mouth formed a grimace, and tears streamed sideways toward the comforter."

This is what it's like when you have no hope. All you want to do is give in to the pain because you "know" that there is nothing more that you can do. Last night was a tough night for me. I had been thinking about a lot of things that had been really bugging me in the past week, and they all seemed to team up on me and completely tear me down. Of course, at the time, I couldn't put a finger on what the issue was... until my cousin asked me what was wrong. I thought about it and knew exactly what I was dealing with: self-worth.
I was doubting myself in the worst ways possible. I literally felt as if I was worthless. But why? I started regretting things I have done, things I should have done but didn't, and started to tear my appearance to shreds. I began to think that I've really screwed up, that there is no way to fix what I've done and no way that I, me as a person, could possibly get better. But I was forgetting something... no, I was avoiding someone. I knew the answer was inside of me, waiting to get His hold on me, and I denied Him access.
In my pain, I had written a two paragraph story to get my feelings of hopelessness out. I haven't written in like that in a couple of years -- I was unsure it was what I should be doing, but I did it slowly and couldn't believe the end result. It wasn't until my cousin told me to write my feelings out that I knew God was reaching out to me. I needed to go to church, I needed God.

And today, the last song we sang before the congregation sat down was this:

In the name of the Father
In the name of the Son
In the name of the Spirit
Lord we've come

We're gathered together
To lift up Your name
To call on our Savior
To fall on Your grace

Hear the joyful sound of our offering
As your saints bow down, as your people sing
We will rise with You, lifted on Your wings
And the world will see that

Our God saves, our God saves
There is hope in Your name

Mourning turns to songs of praise
Our God saves, our God saves, yeah

While we were singing this song that I had never heard before, one line stood out to me and my lip began to quiver. "There is hope in Your name." I repeated it to myself maybe one hundred times. Everything that had plagued me the night before became pebbles compared to the boulder that God is. Just because I have many flaws in my appearance, just because I cannot say what I want to say in the way I want to say it, just because I have made big mistakes, doesn't mean that one day, Jesus won't deliver me from it all. Because He will. I am not in this predicament forever, I still have hope. Our God does save. He saves us from our sadness, anxiety, and our hopelessness.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Keep this near to you. There is hope and a future, even for those of us who struggle with the lies of the enemy.

Ephesians says it best:

"I pray that your hearts will be able to understand. I pray that you will know about the hope given by God's call. I pray that you will see how great the things are that He has promised to those who belong to Him."

Praising God for the Sun

2008-12-31T16:26:00.003-05:00

I've realized something. Even through the rough waves that knock me over in life, even through the dark, shadowed pain I've gone through...my life is truly beautiful.

I was jogging today in the cold. I had underestimated the wind's wrath against my skin and was surprised when I found myself shivering and clinging to what warmth my jacket provided me. I stopped and figured, "now would be a good time to turn around and go back in." But I didn't. I forced myself to walk. I just kept going. If I had turned around, I wouldn't have accomplished my goal for that day -- to exercise, just a little bit. I would have gone right back inside and would have gone on in my comfort, warm and complacent.
Freezing as I was, I jogged up the hill and reached the top breathless. Oh, how I wanted warmth. How I craved to be back in my bed with the covers up over my head.
The sun. I felt warm. At the top of the hill, the sun was shining so brightly and so radiantly that it was literally like standing on the beach. I stood still. So warm. Standing in the sun's light, I was reluctant to leave it's comfort. Why on earth would I want to continue on in the shade's cold thrashing.

Why on earth would any one want to live on in such coldness? Where life is bleak and hopeless? Where the light is lacking?

My Light comforts me in the midst of the chill. He takes care of me when I need to find shelter. His warmth caresses my cheeks when I begin to think there is no where to hide. I praise God for making this world so beautiful and so full of wonderful moments. I praise God for taking care of me in every single way. I praise God for His Son!

Patience

2008-12-27T12:27:00.002-05:00

Throughout my life, I've always thought of myself as a patient person. I was always o.k. with waiting, not antsy, and generally expected that I'd have to wait for whatever I needed to get. The older I got, the idea that I was patient grew less and less true. I found myself getting all huffy about waiting for too long and generally avoided it at all costs. Once I visited New York City, I don't believe my patience level has ever been the same. I found myself yelling at the cars around me in Cobb to go faster, 'what's the hold up!?'

But the patience I'm talking about right now is not the kind you need to have in line or behind the wheel. It's the patience you must have with God.

If anyone knows about waiting on God, it's me. I cannot tell you just how long I've waited for a certain situation to be resolved. I've tried to solve it on my own, with nothing to show for it; I've tried to use other people's advice, it was useless. It wasn't until I started really listening to God that I heard Him say, "wait."

I struggled with this idea. "Wait? How much longer should I wait? I've been waiting for so long already to be done with this!" But God continued to say, "wait on me."

Even now, in my waiting, my feelings and resolve has been flung back and forth like a yo-yo. What could possibly be done by waiting? What if it is never solved the way I want or need it to be?

God has it under control. Even when we think nothing is happening, God is fighting a battle for us. God will reward us for waiting on Him.

Psalm 37:7-9 says, "Rest in the Lord and be willing to wait for Him. Do not trouble yourself when all goes well with the one who carries out his sinful plans. Stop being angry. Turn away from fighting. Do not trouble yourself. It leads only to wrong-doing. For those who do wrong will be cut off. But those who wait for the Lord will be given the earth."

In my waiting and my troubles, I've grown into an angry person. I cannot continue to harbor feelings of anger or bitterness. It's not something I'm used to or something that I want. I need to have faith in God and wait on Him, and trust that He is on my side fighting.

Hebrews 10:36 says, "You must be willing to wait without giving up. After you have done what God wants you to do, God will give you what he promised you."

Amen. We cannot give up. I have given up once before, and it led me to sin. I can't tell you just how disappointed I was in myself. If I had just kept on being persistent in my waiting on God, instead of rebelling and giving up, maybe I would be farther along than I am now. But because I will not give up now, I have faith that God will deliver what was promised to me.

And of course, Romans 5: 3-4. It's funny, before I even started to think about patience and waiting, one of my friends on Facebook posted this verse on his status. That is when I began to really think about what it means to be patient with God.

"We are glad for our troubles also. We know that troubles help us learn not to give up. When we have learned not to give up, it shows we have stood the test. When we have stood the test, it gives us hope."

Because I know I cannot give up, I have 'stood the test.' There is hope. In waiting for God and having faith in Him, believing without giving up and giving in, there is hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of those verses that everyone recites, but I feel like God has told it to me over and over again. So much so that it's annoying when I hear it, yet still comforting.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I may not be the most patient person in the world by any means, but I know what it is to wait for God and to trust in Him. It may be the hardest thing for one to do, but oh, it is so worth it.

Christmas is Over

2008-12-26T01:05:00.003-05:00

This is a bit late but...

Praise GOD for sending His Son Jesus. I couldn't imagine a more wonderful Gift than He.

The Bright Beautiful Moon

2008-12-12T20:02:00.006-05:00

Before I sat down to type this, I was out getting groceries for my week. When I came out of Kroger, I noticed that low in the sky was the most beautiful moon I have ever seen, so mysterious yet so humongous. I climbed into my Civic and took the long way home so that I could sing along with my music and enjoy just being out of the house. I also enjoyed the fact that I was driving directly toward the over sized moon. So pretty.
Soon after, I forgot about the moon and got preoccupied with the traffic. Weaving in and out of the lanes and being careful not to hit anyone, the fact that the moon was shining so brightly didn't really matter to me anymore. I turned on my road and noticed something blinding out of the corner of my eye. I said out loud, "the moon is following me!" I laughed. I could see it through the shadow of the trees and through the breaks in the houses down the row.
I've been in my room for quite some time now and I've kept noticing that I can still see the white light blaring through my closed blinds. I ignored it though, it's just the moon. Checking my Yahoo page, I noticed that there was an article entitled, "Year's Biggest Full Moon Friday Night." I opened my blinds at this reminder and low and behold, I have the perfect view of it through the trees outside of my window. I am enchanted.

It is ever-present, always watching me from the sky above. It does not flinch, it does not hide. Of course, things get in its way, but it will never leave. I ignored it because of my surroundings and because well, it's just the moon, right? It's beauty is haunting, magnificent, bright. Even though it's wonder never ceases to exist, sometimes we rediscover just how amazing it is.

Oh, what a parallel. :]

We're All the Same

2008-12-06T19:10:00.008-05:00

Before I start this next post's topic, I want to say that I was tempted several times to go back and change, delete, or lessen the last post's message. I kept thinking that maybe I was too extreme, too bold, or too "Jesus-freakish," and I should have written less. Even though I still worry and am a bit embarrassed to show this blog to anyone and everyone, I haven't changed it. I think what I wrote about last time is something that many girls I know go through, and I feel like I needed to speak up and remind them just how loved they really are. So, I won't touch it. I really just want to do what God pushes me to.

Which brings me to the next topic. I've been asking God what the next post should be about, and I really didn't get anything from Him. Of course I have my own ideas that one day, I hope I'll post, but I don't want to reveal those yet. Earlier this evening, I was cleaning and I remembered this song that I absolutely love, so I put it on. As it was playing I listened to the lyrics carefully and felt that God wanted to say something through this song.

I've had a few other 'secular' songs really speak to me before, like One Republic's "Come Home,"
and the Bon Jovi song that I mentioned earlier. This particular song became famous because it was used with the "Free Hugs Campaign" video that surfaced on the internet. That's right, "All the Same" by the Sick Puppies. I don't know how religious, or anti-religious, this group really is, but this song speaks volumes about God's love for us. It really is like a love song.

I want to go through the song and break it down just to show you how God is speaking.

"I don't mind where you come from/ as long as you come to me"

God does not care what we've done in our past, as long as we come to Him for repentance and give our lives to Him. He doesn't care where we've come from -- meaning race, gender, past beliefs, past behaviors, whatever. He just wants us to come to Him. "I will call them 'my people' who are not my people; and I will call her 'my loved one' who is not my loved one," - Romans 9:25

"I don't like illusions I can't see/them clearly"

Like most of us, God doesn't like a liar. He doesn't want us to hide our feelings from Him or pretend that we agree with what's happening in our lives. He wants us to be upfront and real with Him. He doesn't want us to go day in and day out doing the "church thing" without actually seeking Him. He wants us to seriously pursue Him with all of our hearts. I always remember Job when I think about being honest with God. Through all of his pain and suffering, he did not once agree with what God was doing in his life. He was upfront and real with Him about how much pain he was going though. He was honestly seeking God for answers. God won't answer those who don't seek Him with their full hearts.

"I don't care no I wouldn't dare/ To fix the twist in you"

This touches on what I talked about in my last post. God created us to be who we are. Every freckle, every unwanted hair, every crease is how God would have it to be. Even our very personalities were formed by God. No matter how stubborn or how much we dislike our bodies, He wouldn't dare have it any other way.

"You've shown me eventually/What you'll do"

Every action and every reaction we make, God knows about it. He not only knows what we will do tomorrow, but He knows what we will do a week, three months, and ten years from now.

"I don't mind.../I don't care.../As long as you're here!"

I love this line because it truly shows God's love for us, no matter where or who we've been. As long as we are dancing with and in relationship with Him, He can overlook what harm we've done and restore our hearts.

"Go ahead tell me you'll leave again/You'll just come back running/Holding your scarred heart in hand"

If any of my readers are like me, they know there are times in which they feel like giving up and throwing in the towel; Giving up trying to do the right thing; giving up trying to please God. Our fallen nature always convinces us that when life is hard, we must run away from or rebel against Him. Many of us think that God is the One who is doing the harming or think that He is cruel. So we leave. We give up. But God knows better. He knows that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. Eventually, when we want to get back to the Truth and get back to Love, we will come running, holding our scarred and unprotected hearts in our hands.

"And I'll take you for who you are/If you take me for everything/Do it all over again/It's all the same"

Again, God will take us for just who we are. He will love and accept my sinfulness, my jealousy, my depression, and my self-esteem problems; but only if I accept Him as my Savior, my Everything. Even if I run away or rebel against Him again and again, He will accept me again and again without hesitation.

"Hours slide and days go by/Till you decide to come/And in between it always seems too long"

This stanza shows the romance between us and God. No matter how long we are "away from" God, to Him, it seems like an eternity when we are not walking with Him.

"And I have the skill, yeah I have the will/To breathe you in while I can/However long you stay/Is all that I am"

This line seems a bit more difficult to understand, but I believe that it's saying that God has the power to change and transform our lives if we let Him.

"Wrong or right/Black or white/If I close my eyes/It's all the same"

Again, no matter if we are on the right or the wrong "side" of life, no matter our skin color, or our differences, it's all the same to God. He loves us as His own.

"In my life/The compromise/I close my eyes/It's all the same"

This part of the song kind of echoes, and I feel like this line is something we say when we start to wonder what is more important to us. We can compromise and give in to the ways of the world -- greed, lust, jealousy, anger, etc. Or, we can "close our eyes" to it and reopen them to a New Life.

If you are interested in hearing the song, you can listen to it here.
I hope that you will listen and enjoy it, not only because I love it, but because it really is like a love song from God.

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?

2008-12-02T22:27:00.002-05:00

These past couple of days I have been reveling in what God has done through this blog and how He has answered my prayers. Even though I have been somewhat joyful, there has been something on my mind that constantly nags at me, even as I type. I'm not sure that God has urged me to write about this, but I feel that I need to, not just for myself but for my friends.

For a long time, I didn't feel like I was beautiful. In fact, I was convinced that I could be quite ugly. My hair wasn't the right color, my stomach wasn't flat enough, and my face was full of imperfections. I focused so hard on my faults that I forgot to let my true beauty shine through my actions and words. Instead, I took things too personally and shrunk and hid inside of my shame. The fear of having someone find out all of my faults and reject me for them was extremely overwhelming, so I tried my very best to make myself look good without actually taking any risks.

This state of mind developed in middle school (possibly the worst time in any girl's life) and continued through high school. No one ever told me that it was OK to have flaws and to be confident in myself despite them. That concept was something I only grasped at but never touched. I always wanted to be a confident beautiful woman, but I never thought that it was possible. I wanted to continue living quietly, being shy and hiding my faults.

I have to admit, as I write this I feel an overwhelming pit in my stomach. Reading over my paragraphs, I know I have fallen back into the same old routine. Most days, I feel inadequate. I know what the picture of beauty is, and I feel that I am far from it. When I look in the mirror and see my acne scars and the newly appearing blemishes, the unwanted weight... I feel like screaming, "WHO IS THIS?!" in disgust.

But so what?

Did you know that God is enthralled with me? I mean captivated, head over heels, amazed by me. To God, I am beautiful.

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear; forget your people and your father's house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your lord." Psalm 45:10-11

"I made her. She is different. She's unique. With love I formed her in my mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her." -Psalm 139:13-16

Even though I may not be a drop dead beautiful woman according to the world, may not be outgoing enough to make many friends here at UGA, and I may be making D's in my classes, God knew when he made me that in order to be the most beautiful woman, He could not give me everything this world considers desirable.

"I made her pretty and not beautiful, smart not brilliant, because I knew her heart. I knew she would be vain and proud. I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be ME in her that would make her beautiful...and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her." - 1 Peter 3:3-5

You see, it is not smooth clear skin, highlighted hair, or nice clothes that make you beautiful. No. It is GOD that puts a beauty within us that accentuates and overshadows our outside beauty. It is God within me that makes me worth it.

God LOVES you the way He made you. He doesn't see the scars, the flab, or the crookedness. He doesn't see the ugliness that you may see in yourself. He LOVES you.

"I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her." - Psalm 139:17, Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 18:19

When you make a dumb joke that no one else seems to get, God loves it. When you dance, when you laugh, when you twirl in the snow... God is right there with you loving you and loving the moment. He is so in love with you.

I am now realizing that the pain and frustration I was feeling earlier has left my heart. I was so silly to even put so much of my self-worth into something as trivial as my physical flaws.

I thank GOD for showing me how He feels about me and you. I thank Him for being so amazing and loving in every way. God knows the brokenness I go through. God knows when I am in pain. He knows when I am hurt because of my foolishness.

"Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart, and the tears she's cried alone. I have cried with her, and had a broken heart, too." -Psalm 56:8

You are beautiful. God is enthralled with you. Dance in the joy of His delight.

I want to thank Danee, Margaret, and Angela Thomas for giving me the materials and inspiration for this post. You have lifted me up so high that I began to reach for God and forgot to look down.

Blown Away

2008-11-30T12:46:00.013-05:00

It's only been a little more than a year that I have been following after Him seriously. But in those few short months, there have been so many times in which I have been blown away by God. Things that might seem commonplace or not important to others, have been messages or answers by God. For example, I was going to get lunch one morning at the dining hall and I was feeling completely bewildered and alone, like God wasn't with me at all. I said a quiet prayer while I was walking up the staircase, "please God, just show me you're with me. I want to feel your presence, to feel that you are here with me instead of just knowing." As soon as I got to the top of the stairs, Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There for You" started playing in my head. I didn't even realize the significance of it until I was through the lunch line and filling up my glass. I had a "facepalm" moment just then when I carefully went through the lyrics in my head:

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

...I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

When I realized what God was saying to me, I wanted to tear up. I hadn't heard or thought about this song in ages, and it suddenly popped into my mind at such a pivitol moment... God is amazing.

Some might say, "oh, that's a coincidence. You probably heard the song playing in the background somewhere and it stuck in your mind." Well, that might be true, but why then did I suddenly hear it in my mind only after praying that prayer? It is truly wonderful.

Anyway, the real reason I felt compelled to write this afternoon about this certain topic is because of what my cousin sent me last night.

After I had finished writing my first post here, I walked away from my computer and was feeling pretty happy about my decision to make this blog. But then something hit me. I was unsure if there was any purpose to it. "Who's going to read it? What if no one ever does? Will I lose interest?" I also then began to doubt my talents and asked God to show me what makes me so beautiful, if that's the case.

When I got to bed, I was getting ready to snuggle up and read my New Moon book. But before I started reading, I decided to check for any e-mail I might have gotten on my phone. (Internet on my phone is really very handy!) Good thing I checked... My cousin sent me an e-mail. It sent panic through my body.

"I was in the mammo office and got the pictures taken, then told to wait. They come back and took more and told me to wait in the cubby you change in.
I could hear the Doctor dictate his findings. He was saying there is cancer in the right breast. That is what I was there for-the right.
My heart started to beat fast and I could feel myself silently freak out. I was waiting forever. They finally took me for the sono. They won't tell you if your ok. So she said she was going to get the Dr. He was doing a biopsy.
This song came on (No one by Alicia Keyes). She sang the words- Everything's gonna be all right. A peace from God came over me. Praise the Lord he uses words of a song to minister to us. Of course the Dr. comes in and said everything looks good.

That is why your writing is so important and God given and your purpose in life. You never know when the Lord will use your words to speak to someone."

I couldn't contain myself when I read the last two paragraphs. Not only did God use a song to comfort my cousin like He had for me, but through her story and her words, He confirmed the purpose of my life and the talent He has given me. It is ironic that my cousin's words were used to speak to me, when she was telling me that my words could be used to speak to someone. God has blown me away yet again, in such a timely manner. Praise God for His unfailing love and beautiful heart!! I am in love with my Savior.

God's Lesson Plan

2008-11-29T18:20:00.002-05:00

Most of the blogs I have started in the past, had a definite purpose -- that is, I had a good picture of what I wanted to put in it. I'm not saying that this blog is completely directionless or uninspired, it's just... up to God. Whatever I may come across in God's word, whatever He may show me at any moment that sparks inspiration and contemplation, I will write about.

For too long I have been ignoring what, I believe, I was put on earth to do -- write. Why would anyone ignore a talent God himself has bestowed upon them? It's like a bird never flying, or Da Vinci never painting a single masterpiece. I am far from any Da Vinci, but I believe I should use what I have, and that is writing.

My mom is a teacher. (I get annoyed writing that sentence because I have heard her use "I'm a teacher" for too many excuses and reasons for why she can't do something.) Every week, she has to plan out what she wants to accomplish for the next week with her kids. She has to be thorough and thoughtful; she has to know how her kids will behave during the activities that she has them do; she must take into account the way they learn; and she must first and foremost have an idea of what is best for them.

God is a teacher too. He has a plan for each and every one of us. He knows how we will react, how we need to learn certain lessons, what we need and don't need, and He knows what is best for us. This blog, I feel, will be a way to map out His lesson plan for me -- a way to see what I am learning, how I am growing, and what lessons I've learned. It's like my mom's students trying to peek at her lesson plans, trying to find out her objectives. Luckily, in my case, I don't have to sneak around. My teacher is gracious and willing to tell me exactly what He wants me to know.

I hope this blog is not one that I forget about or leave unwritten. I think that through all the years of my blogging, I haven't had a subject quite as important as this.

What does God have in store this week? I can't wait to write in my lesson plan.