Almost a Year

It's almost been a year since I've started this blog, and I am very proud of myself and grateful to God that I've learned so much in a year.

As soon as I can spare some time, I'm going to write a nice long entry.

Thank you all for reading my blog and keeping an open mind and loving heart.

<3 Shaye

The Beauty of it All

When God speaks to me, He does it in an obvious way. I have asked Him to do so because I am not very quick. When it comes to spiritual things, I need a clear answer. I am one of those people who doubt things if they're not obvious.

Thankfully, God has obliged. It seems that whenever I go to my new church, (Church of the Nations) I am shown God's face. That church is so full of God and I know it. It seems as if every time I go there with a heavy burden on my shoulders, God brings me someone to lift it off of me. And it seems that every time I am about to give up praying and go home, He says, "uh-uh, here." Someone comes up to me and prays, says a Word impressed upon them from God.

I know this won't happen every time I go, but it has happened 3 out of 4 times. Perhaps one day I will be that person who taps the praying girl on the shoulder. Maybe I will have a word for someone. God is thriving here.

As I was driving away from the church after the service, I couldn't help but cry because His provision never ceases. His power never fails. His beauty is ever-present.

I thank God for helping me to see His face. I thank Him for never failing me, never leaving me. I thank Him for protecting me and loving me.

Pastor Mel said something that struck me. "How can we forget the love He has for us when He gave up His only Son for us?"

Don't forget. Always thank Him, even through the rain. Because He is the one who brings the rain and brings the sun.

Warm Up

It has been awhile since I last wrote. But I think my absence helps me make the point I want to make.

These past few weeks, I have been enjoying the grueling task of kickboxing. Twice a week for an hour does more than you might think! It is the most intense workout I've ever been through, but oh man, is it fun! I keep checking the mirrors when I pass to see if anything looks different, just hoping for a slight change. In the back of my mind is a thinner, stronger Shaye who is able to defend herself with a high round-house kick and a punch to the... well you get the point.

Week after week, I put myself through training -- working my muscles, ripping and growing them and learning how to fight if I ever get put in that position.

I'm sure you see the parallel by now. I got to thinking about working out physically and working out spiritually.

Wouldn't it be great if we could track our spiritual growth like we can with waist measurements and BMI? It would be so much easier to see where we stand with God and what we need to work on in our lives. Sadly, there are no spiritual nutritionists or spiritual personal trainers to track what you do and push you to read your Bible every night.

I think what God was leading me to was the fact that we need to work out our "muscles" in order to keep "in shape" and be ready for the "fight." That's a lot of quotation marks. Let me explain.

God wants us in His Word as often as possible. Learning and discussing His plan and will for us is something we should be doing in order to grow as Christians. Personally, making time to read my Bible and get to Bible Study is a struggle for me.

I remember a time when I was surrounded by my favorite girls at Mt. Paran, always going to Sunday morning church, the college group, and the small girls group. I remember how much more confident I was and how much growth I saw in myself from the past year. It was amazing how much God had moved in my life because I was stretching my "spiritual muscles."

Flash forward to this moment in time. I am not involved, yet, in any small groups and haven't been reading my Bible. I will not make any excuses, for they are all too petty. But I have noticed a stall in the growth of my muscle mass. Since I've stopped feeding myself the Word and stopped placing myself in His family, like a muscle, I have atrophy. Whatever I've gained, I've lost in some way.

Where would I be if I continued to speak with God and read His word continuously. Where would I be if I made it a point to get to church as often as I could? I can't even speculate, but I think I might be somewhere fantastic.

Perhaps I could have been used in some way that I am now not ready for because I wasn't "buff" enough.

We need to be fit. We need to be in shape. We need to make Him a priority in order to see results in our lives. You don't get thin and you don't build muscle by sitting on the couch, do you? All of these quick fixes to "a thinner you" are so very similar to the quick fixes of "a happier you." You cannot lose weight by taking some diet pill and eating potato chips. Likewise, you cannot get happier by convincing yourself to take on a different attitude that may not be applicable to your life. One size does not fit all, and most importantly, it takes work to get results.

You cannot expect to grow as a Christian and have a more joyful life, if you do not delve into His word and spend time with your Creator. He has provided us with the most important and effective way to live life to the fullest.

What happens to someone who doesn't know how to defend them self? They get whooped. What happens to someone who has no muscle? They cower under the weight.

If you exercise frequently and learn different defense techniques, you'll be able to take on the biggest threat. I believe God is pressing me to say that we need to build ourselves up in Him so that when our next giant comes along, we will be able to fight the big fight and triumph.

Do you think David could have defeated the large and quite scary Goliath without being "in shape"? Do you think David could have stood up against the most formidable enemy he had ever faced?

"David said to the Philistine, 'You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.'" 1 Samuel 17.

David actively sought after God and knew exactly how to handle the giant. He had the level of faith and confidence in God (and in himself) that it took to topple his enemy. Because he was "fit as a fiddle" and strong in the Lord, he went down in history as the little boy who owned the biggest bad guy around.

My question is to you, are you ready for the fight? Are you strong enough? Have you been working out your muscles?

Still don't believe me? You know what they say, See the results!

Waking the Dead

"The glory of God is man fully alive." - Saint Irenaeus.

I am currently reading Waking the Dead by John Eldredge and Craig McConnell. It is a book about embracing the life God has for each one of us. Whether you are a Christian or not, Eldredge & McConnell make convincing arguments about why we live the way we do and what we can do to live life to the fullest by following God's will for us.

With their help, readers venture into why life is the way it is. We understand that it is a battle we are fighting, or really that God is fighting on our behalf. We must "arm" ourselves. Prepare for battle. Expect hardship but know that we have already won.

I have not finished the book yet, but I can tell you that this is a book worth reading. Eldredge and McConnell are both candid in their writing. They admit thoughts and feelings about God and life throughout the book (and the guidebook) so that it is easier for their readers to understand and relate to the issues brought up.

I am excited to continue reading because I've heard this book is life changing. It is about awakening your broken heart to a full life. Can you imagine the life you could be living if you allowed yourself to become who God planned you to be? I hope you'll consider reading this book and possibly doing the challenging task of completing the guidebook along with it.

Grade: A+

I've Insulted God, I'm sure.

You know how many times I have doubted God? Doubted that He was going to help me? Doubted He was really on my side? So many. So many that I'm sure God was a little bit insulted.

I say this in jest because I know he never tires of hearing our complaints and listening to our doubts. But if God is like any parent, I know that if my child was doubting my love for him or her, I'd be a little hurt too.

I realized this yesterday when I finally got to visit my church in Athens. I had been through so much crap this summer. My mom going through surgical procedures, many visits to the doctors, our constant fighting; I've moved out, moved in, moved back out again; I've been loved, hated, and loved again; gotten back with and broken up with... my heart has been broken a thousand times over this summer. What I knew, if anything, is that I was emotionally far from God. I knew He was there with me. I knew He was helping me... but my heart didn't agree.

I was excited to get to church to get to the bottom of things. To just pour out my spirit and have Him fill me. I wasn't sure what to expect. I hadn't been there in about 3 months. But I prayed that God speak to me loud and clear. (My close family was praying for this as well) I thought it'd be nice to hear from God. It's something that I needed, but I wasn't expecting it. I was doubting that God was actually on my side. Perhaps punishing me for all that I've done out of disobedience. It's not so.

Toward the end of service, the pastor opened up the altar for those who need prayer. Being who I am and what I've been though, I went up. I wasn't sure what to expect. I just knew I'd cry. I'm so emotional. I'd probably cry if you scolded me for making a mess.
I didn't know that I'd cry that hard. I let it all out. Sobbing. I don't know exactly what came over me but I couldn't stop. When it was all over with, I felt calm but unsatisfied. I wanted desperately to hear from God. With everything in me, I wanted it. Nothing else in the world mattered to me at that point.

When I got back to my seat, everyone was leaving. My church is pretty lax before and after service. They open up the sanctuary for intercession/prayer/worship. While the band was still playing I just got on my knees and prayed in earnest. I noticed that a strange lady with the flags was waving them over me for quite some time. I'm not sure what flags have to do with worship, but to each her own, right? It was weird but I just kept praying. When she left, I got up and went for the door calmly and a bit tired from all the emotional crap.

Before I reached for the handle, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned and it was the strange flag lady. She said in a soft voice that God impressed feelings about me to her.

She told me just how MUCH He loves me and He can see the passion and fire within me to be with Him and near Him; How He is SO proud of me like a father at his daughter's recital. She told me that He sees my hurt and brokenness and He weeps over me, that like unlike a father who sits back and allows things to happen to his daughter, He is spinning with violent emotion over me to protect me as my Warrior and Healer. He doesn't keep a list of the times I slipped up or messed up, He only sees me with incredible love.

I was extremely blown away. Everything she said sent off bells in my head. A checklist was being checked off as she spoke to me. Everything she said was no doubt from MY God.

Then Georgette, that's her name, told me to look up Zephaniah 3:17:

"The LORD your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing."

Praise God. I am so in love with my Creator. He loves me with all His heart, like no one else. He is protecting me, fighting a battle for me, loving me and taking great delight in me as my Father.
How stupid was I to assume he was getting pleasure from watching me squirm in my sorrow? God is not like that. He does not punish us to make us pay. He loves each and every one of us for who we are, no matter our short comings. We are His children, whom he fights hard to save.

Don't be like me and think God is not on your side, because He is. He is the only one who will always be on your side, wanting all of you, crying when you are hurt and rejoicing with you when you succeed.

Seek him earnestly and He will answer.

What Makes Me, Me?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not because God hasn't blessed me or answered my prayers, because he has, numerous times. I don't want to make a long post today, so bear with me if it seems a bit choppy.

I've been thinking lately about who I am and what I have to offer the world, the people I love, and of course what I have to offer in God's honor. Who am I really? Am I a journalist? Am I a writer? How do I define myself and how should I view myself?

I'm not sure, but lately I have been struggling with these questions. I don't really want to be a journalist. I don't want to work in a high profile job... I am not even sure that I care if I live in New York anymore. Sure, it would be nice to have all these things. A dream maybe... but all I care about in my life is to be content with what I have. I would be happy being a wife with children. I would be happy working at a publication house editing books. I'd like my life to be simple but exciting.

I know God has a plan for me and one that only fits me. I know I'm the only one He wants to accomplish His goal, whatever it may be. I have a very hard time seeing what it is that makes me so special, aside from maybe writing. What talents do I have? What can I do that others can't? I see so many people that can sing, draw, and that have such a personality, I feel I could never compare. What makes Shaye, Shaye? What defines me as a person? As a woman, a writer, a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend? What is it that draws people to me? Or do I even draw anyone to me?

Is this life just a bleak sequence of events or is it filled with vibrant colors that fill the frame? Am I just me, a quiet, thoughtful, and awkward girl who might do something big? Or am I something more? Am I someone who is going to make a big difference in someone's life?

So many questions. But there is only one answer. God has control of my life and He is what makes me special. He is the one who will move through me to make a difference. There is nothing that I can do without Him. He will use any talent He knows I have (which I may not know about) to move in someone's life. It is just so hard to remember who I am in Christ because I see all of my flaws and all of my short comings. I think what I want, what maybe everyone wants, is to be told just what makes us special, why we are different, if we stand a chance.

Too many times I have been the girl who is good but not good enough. The girl who can do some things, but not the things that that girl can do.

When I was going to KSU, I was at the top of my game. Good grades, I had a good sense of myself, I felt a sense of identity. But now here at UGA, where my grades have fallen -- average or below average, where I see so many talented people and great people... I feel less than able, not enough. There's nothing that tells me otherwise.

I don't want to be the girl who struggles with self-esteem. Our society tells us that girls with low or no self-esteem are not wanted by men. But in all honesty, how many girls have perfect self-esteem and feel great about themselves every day? Are we fooling ourselves? Even men struggle with it.

What I've learned these past few years is that nothing is certain. There is no certain way to get what you want. Everything I thought was set in stone, is not so concrete. I'm learning that life is about the decisions you make, and oftentimes it is too difficult to see the right choice, even after lots of prayer and discussion. Everyone has their own life and it is not for anyone to judge the actions of another unless the circumstances are fully understood.

I pray God helps me finally understand what talents I have and what sets me apart. I pray that I treasure what He's given me and begin to live like I mean it. I pray that I find my true purpose in life and do it. I pray that whatever impurities I have in my heart, He removes it.

Just a praise report.

I felt the need to tell everyone, who happens to follow this, just how much God has blessed me this past month. February is the worst month for me every year. Without fail, it always seems to be the month that gets me down. It's always the month that delivers doom and gloom into my life. Sometimes it extends into March like it did last year.

However true this is, I HAVE to tell you that even through the junk that February brought me, Jesus delivered me time and time again from all of my problems and failures. No other time in my life have I ever had such a heightened awareness of God's mercy and blessings.

This past month was full of stress, anxiety, hopelessness, and guilt. I got myself into all kinds of dilemmas because of my bad habits, self-esteem issues, and indecisiveness. To make it more specific and tangible, I'll lay out a couple of things that I was dealing with on the table.

My first term paper for Conrad C. Fink. This man is huge -- famous in the newspaper industry. Top professor extraordinaire. God had gotten me through two meetings with this man, face to face... expert to novice. Once I had that under my belt, I had the daunting task of interviewing experts for my term paper, gathering research, and finally writing a well-organized and well-written paper.

I cannot tell you just how concerned I was with writing the perfect paper for this 73-year-old man. He is the Trump of the newspaper business in my eyes. Imagine turning in your first financial report as a new business person to Trump -- lots of expectation and high standards. If you get it wrong in his eyes, you're out. Aside from watching "What Not to Wear" and going on trips to the pet store, this high standard is what kept me from sitting down and writing my paper. I was afraid of writing an atrocity.

I had a lot of people praying for me. A lot of prayer and a lot of pushing. I got my interviews done. I got my researching done. And on the night before it was due, I sat down and wrote 8 pages of my 12 page paper. Only GOD could have given me the strength and drive to get it all done. I turned it in, expecting a B- at most. It was sloppy, unorganized, and I didn't have enough interviews.

God surely did give me favor. I got an A+.

Let me just stress to you how CRAZY an A+ means to me in Fink's class. This is BIG. Thank you Jesus for such an amazing miracle.

That is just one story of how amazing God is. I won't go into the other things He's done for me recently, but I will tell you this: I easily bought a new car battery, I got a B+ on my mid-term, I have an AMAZING friend back after years of being separated, I was rescued from one of my biggest vices when I don't deserve any mercy from God, I'm spending much needed time with my family, and I'm feeling a certain peace that I know would not be possible amongst all of this chaos I find myself in.

"Everything is a lesser thing compared to You." God has EVERYTHING under control. He does not make us suffer, and intervenes when we have had enough. God is on our side; He loves us as a father adores his children. He loves us, even when we disobey Him. He gives us second and third chances when we really mess up. I could not ask for a better, more loving, amazing Father. I am so, so, so blessed and I can say that I am genuinely happy, even through the trials life brings.

Praise God.

My Rut, His Promises.

On Sunday, I had the very wonderful privilege of going to my home church. It had been awhile since I've been there, and frankly, I really missed the pastor, congregation, and walking those red velvet carpets. I knew God was calling me to go to church that specific Sunday because I had made a promise to him to spend time with him on a daily basis, and it wasn't happening. I believe that God decided to call out to me and show me just how important He is and how He knows that I am in a rut, and it is fixable.

Through the service, I discovered that the only way that I am ever going to grow spiritually and be close to Jesus is if I spend time with him on a daily basis. Of course, I knew that's what I should be doing, but I never quite figured that I would grow from that kind of quality time. Growing spiritually is something that I feel God pushing me to do. I am ready to move on from my irresponsible relationship with God, and I'm ready to hear from him and receive counsel from Him.

After God revealed His will for me, I then realized what I had known for a long time. The rut. What is keeping me from chatting with God? Why aren't I spending time in the Word like I should be? The sermon revealed that it could many reasons why I am not growing and doing what I should be: emotional issues, too many responsibilities, and spiritual growth being low on my list of priorities. I didn't just pick one of these, I couldn't. I picked them all. It is true, I have so many responisbilities and it's a low priority. But what about the emotional part of it? Should that matter? You bet. Personally, when I am going through something emotionally straining, I tend to feel far from God. I try my best to pray and get in His Word, but in all honesty, I get mad with God for allowing some of these things from happening. All three reasons fit.

Pastor Mark asked for an altar call, and I went up. I wanted to be "unstuck." I wanted to get out of the rut that was holding me back from God. Why would I let this world keep me away from my Savior? What a joke! I was prayed for -- to become unstuck and to run into God's fatherly arms, which are always, always open to me. When I began to sing along with the others, I sat with my eyes closed and just worshiped. God spoke loudly and directly, "Don't give up," he shouted four times. "Don't give up." Such strong words broke down my walls. God then promised to show me through the next week that He is with me. I was filled with hope and joy.

You may be thinking, "boy that's a nice church story, what are you trying to say?"

I'm telling you that God has fulfilled His promise.
Monday, I had never felt so content in my life. There I was in the midst of academic chaos, illness, and anxiety. He provided me with a sense of peace and contentment.
Tuesday, I has a very scary task ahead of me. My anxiety and social awkwardness threatened to take over, but singing to God, "everything is a lesser thing, compared to you," over and over helped me defeat what could have been a very embarrassing conversation. He showed me that through Him, all things are possible; that God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control - 2 Timothy 1:7.
Wednesday, I started to feel lonely and began to beat myself up for not being up to par. But then God came through. He has sent me such a wonderful friend with whom I can be myself and know that she likes me for just who I am. I spent hours with her just talking about everything and nothing, totally excited to have seen her. God provided me with friendship and love.
Thursday (today), God provided me with a confidence that I couldn't expect from myself. No self-doubt, but belief that I could succeed and faith that I am who He wants me to be.

Amen. God is so good, he always fulfills his promises. I believe that through this, I will be able to break out of the rut and begin a new relationship with Him. Like He said, I will never be the same.

Break out of your rut! Truly commit yourself to a relationship with Him. He is waiting to hear from you!

Something to Smile About

I would like to write about God's Grace today. No matter how many times we screw up, God always provides for us. He always makes a way. It is very easy to just thank God and move on and forget what He has done for us, but I want to stress the importance of remembering His mercy and acknowledging that without Him, we would be lost.

For the past few weeks, I have been dealing with feelings of anxiety and continuous worry. When I get something in my head, it's difficult for it to leave. The enemy always uses my worst tendencies to keep me jailed in my head. But, I am so undeniably favored by God. When it seems like there is no way out, and it seems like none of your prayers are being answered... He comes to the rescue and gives us grace and forgiveness that we certainly do not deserve.

How many times can God forgive me for being so doubtful, so disobedient and so forgetful? Too many. He forgives me when I should not have any forgiveness left. He forgives me when the idea of giving me one more chance should be laughable. If my life was in the hands of man, I would be shackled and scorned. But my life does not belong to this world. It belongs to my Creator who loves and showers me with His grace.

How many times have we forgotten how good God is? How many times have we been blessed but turned around and slapped God in the face with our doubt and disobedience?

God does not keep grudges. "I will show loving-kindness to them and forgive their sins. I will remember their sins no more." Jeremiah 31:34

God always delivers. God always provides. God always forgives, God never lies. :]

There is Hope in Your Name

When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, not only are we saved from our sins and begin a new life, but we are given hope. This sense of hope inspires so many people... it is truly what makes belonging to God feel so wonderful. Without the salvation of Jesus, we would be lost; lost to the evils and temptations of this world. Lost in a cloud of doubt and hopelessness. I'm sure you know what I mean.

"She carelessly threw her cell phone to the floor and wound herself tightly in a ball. No matter how hard she tried to keep the thoughts from running away with her sanity, she couldn’t keep them from passing through the barrier. Her face was blank at first, not a sign of emotion to be seen. But when the thought she had been trying to avoid at all costs came to light, her eyes shut tightly, her mouth formed a grimace, and tears streamed sideways toward the comforter."

This is what it's like when you have no hope. All you want to do is give in to the pain because you "know" that there is nothing more that you can do. Last night was a tough night for me. I had been thinking about a lot of things that had been really bugging me in the past week, and they all seemed to team up on me and completely tear me down. Of course, at the time, I couldn't put a finger on what the issue was... until my cousin asked me what was wrong. I thought about it and knew exactly what I was dealing with: self-worth.
I was doubting myself in the worst ways possible. I literally felt as if I was worthless. But why? I started regretting things I have done, things I should have done but didn't, and started to tear my appearance to shreds. I began to think that I've really screwed up, that there is no way to fix what I've done and no way that I, me as a person, could possibly get better. But I was forgetting something... no, I was avoiding someone. I knew the answer was inside of me, waiting to get His hold on me, and I denied Him access.
In my pain, I had written a two paragraph story to get my feelings of hopelessness out. I haven't written in like that in a couple of years -- I was unsure it was what I should be doing, but I did it slowly and couldn't believe the end result. It wasn't until my cousin told me to write my feelings out that I knew God was reaching out to me. I needed to go to church, I needed God.

And today, the last song we sang before the congregation sat down was this:

In the name of the Father
In the name of the Son
In the name of the Spirit
Lord we've come

We're gathered together
To lift up Your name
To call on our Savior
To fall on Your grace

Hear the joyful sound of our offering
As your saints bow down, as your people sing
We will rise with You, lifted on Your wings
And the world will see that

Our God saves, our God saves
There is hope in Your name

Mourning turns to songs of praise
Our God saves, our God saves, yeah

While we were singing this song that I had never heard before, one line stood out to me and my lip began to quiver. "There is hope in Your name." I repeated it to myself maybe one hundred times. Everything that had plagued me the night before became pebbles compared to the boulder that God is. Just because I have many flaws in my appearance, just because I cannot say what I want to say in the way I want to say it, just because I have made big mistakes, doesn't mean that one day, Jesus won't deliver me from it all. Because He will. I am not in this predicament forever, I still have hope. Our God does save. He saves us from our sadness, anxiety, and our hopelessness.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Keep this near to you. There is hope and a future, even for those of us who struggle with the lies of the enemy.

Ephesians says it best:

"I pray that your hearts will be able to understand. I pray that you will know about the hope given by God's call. I pray that you will see how great the things are that He has promised to those who belong to Him."