What Makes Me, Me?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. It's not because God hasn't blessed me or answered my prayers, because he has, numerous times. I don't want to make a long post today, so bear with me if it seems a bit choppy.

I've been thinking lately about who I am and what I have to offer the world, the people I love, and of course what I have to offer in God's honor. Who am I really? Am I a journalist? Am I a writer? How do I define myself and how should I view myself?

I'm not sure, but lately I have been struggling with these questions. I don't really want to be a journalist. I don't want to work in a high profile job... I am not even sure that I care if I live in New York anymore. Sure, it would be nice to have all these things. A dream maybe... but all I care about in my life is to be content with what I have. I would be happy being a wife with children. I would be happy working at a publication house editing books. I'd like my life to be simple but exciting.

I know God has a plan for me and one that only fits me. I know I'm the only one He wants to accomplish His goal, whatever it may be. I have a very hard time seeing what it is that makes me so special, aside from maybe writing. What talents do I have? What can I do that others can't? I see so many people that can sing, draw, and that have such a personality, I feel I could never compare. What makes Shaye, Shaye? What defines me as a person? As a woman, a writer, a sister, a daughter, a lover, a friend? What is it that draws people to me? Or do I even draw anyone to me?

Is this life just a bleak sequence of events or is it filled with vibrant colors that fill the frame? Am I just me, a quiet, thoughtful, and awkward girl who might do something big? Or am I something more? Am I someone who is going to make a big difference in someone's life?

So many questions. But there is only one answer. God has control of my life and He is what makes me special. He is the one who will move through me to make a difference. There is nothing that I can do without Him. He will use any talent He knows I have (which I may not know about) to move in someone's life. It is just so hard to remember who I am in Christ because I see all of my flaws and all of my short comings. I think what I want, what maybe everyone wants, is to be told just what makes us special, why we are different, if we stand a chance.

Too many times I have been the girl who is good but not good enough. The girl who can do some things, but not the things that that girl can do.

When I was going to KSU, I was at the top of my game. Good grades, I had a good sense of myself, I felt a sense of identity. But now here at UGA, where my grades have fallen -- average or below average, where I see so many talented people and great people... I feel less than able, not enough. There's nothing that tells me otherwise.

I don't want to be the girl who struggles with self-esteem. Our society tells us that girls with low or no self-esteem are not wanted by men. But in all honesty, how many girls have perfect self-esteem and feel great about themselves every day? Are we fooling ourselves? Even men struggle with it.

What I've learned these past few years is that nothing is certain. There is no certain way to get what you want. Everything I thought was set in stone, is not so concrete. I'm learning that life is about the decisions you make, and oftentimes it is too difficult to see the right choice, even after lots of prayer and discussion. Everyone has their own life and it is not for anyone to judge the actions of another unless the circumstances are fully understood.

I pray God helps me finally understand what talents I have and what sets me apart. I pray that I treasure what He's given me and begin to live like I mean it. I pray that I find my true purpose in life and do it. I pray that whatever impurities I have in my heart, He removes it.